October 22 of 2010

Diary of 2010,

I was just lookin at my previous posts..From way back at the start of 2010. I wrote a 2009 diary, while I was reading it I was just thinking to myself...I've came such a long way, just by reading it can tell my mind was all over, like I was walking with both my eyes shut, trying to live a dream.. but I know I never achieved nothing. So how did 2010 go.? I'm still in it but it's nearly the end of the year and I can explain how tough it was and how much of an idiot I was. Honestly..I got nothin to hide..I've only lied to myself enough..all this bol-shit ended in the summer..I've lost like what. about fourteen people..and plus things changed alot between loved ones..I know I can't erase the past, I've made mistakes..but also choices hopefully I can teach others not to make. Looking back at my stuff..reading through every single one it's not hard to tell that my mind was all over the place..I hate every word I phrased in each sentence..it's like I was pushing things to come to me..but I ended up hurting myself because I was obviously not ready to face all these struggles..and better yet..I faced all of this on my own, I thought I had you here...but just like a tap of water..my eyes were spilling tears...theres one and very important thing I learned from all this..Nobody will understand..and I can finally say I accept that..to you..who thinks knows me inside out..you don't know half the shit I went through..it was just the introduction to the beginning of my life..and I'm sure years to come I'll be lookin back at this, and look at me like an idiot. Here I am..did I get my soul back? I set it free, it was locked in the sell of my chest and I trusted it to leave..look at all the trouble it caused..but I'm not sure if I took the right one..it'll take time to know as my knowledge begins to grow and grow..He got me thinking..we were talking just the other day over the phone..but man his words gave me a choke right through my throat.. it was like I can feel with every word he was saying to me, like I can feel that pain that can take a life time to get over..but it is true..nobody will ever understand me..or you..or anybody around you, this world's a lonely place..do you have to go through some shit to understand at least these words? well yeah..because I know there are people out there who don't give a fuck..who lose themselves without realizing it because they are so blinded..and really you could be laughing..find this humorous..but I bet when you get that chance to be alone..it's gonna be scary once you actually hear yourself saying things...I was stressed to the point where I had so much going on in my head that I would find some words slippin outta my mouth bit by bit..I thought it was because I need someone to talk to..."man this smile ain't real, listen to me" everybody began to wonder what the hell was going on with me..I wanted to leave..runaway...but I got nothin and no place to stay not even a job or account in the bank...shit it's so hard to swallow that...fuck I get sick of lookin back.. of you..I'm sick of all that, all the things I was willing to sacrifice..it gives me shivers even writing it...but I guess things change rapidly in my life...my sister is about to be a wife..my marks are gettin a little high...and I'm actually beginning to see a real smile..already starting a new chapter in my life...He who is soon to be mine...we'll see what goes down when 2011 kicks in.


My diary...Esra Chebli October 22, 2010