Wednesday, July 13, 2011

 So I wanted to try something a little different in this post and talk a about some "things" in general and clear my emotions once and for all to start clean again. I'm having a hard time keeping up with my posts because I'm not fully finishing anything, but hopefully I can set this out today. Sometimes it's hard to word your thoughts, and I see why..well it's because there's so many things you can think of at once, especially trying to explain something. During this period..I felt a brief separation and distance from people..but I take it as a normal thing in certain cases. It's hard to word how I feel about people, but I'm so stupid sometimes and forgive a little to easy..or forget to easy, which could be a good aspect as to apart of my personality, but could be take in advantage of. Another thing would be, I take people far to serious and I don't realize the "friends" that won't stick around for too long. When your in a relationship your supposed to build and discover new things together through trust and communication, but sometimes you think you are when really your just building a wall between the both of you or they are doing it to you..and no matter how hard you try to break that wall between the both of you they just keep building it..after all the trust and memories spent together. I put the people in my life to great worth, but some people just don't worth you as much or just care less about are influenced by others and this is why it could effect me in negative way just by simply hurting me. In my posts I put great meaning to everything I say..but nothing is complete enough that actually explains how I feel. Some people can't and won't understand the little things that can throw me off easy..and I just came to the point where I just don't care and I'm literally not dedicating or wasting any of my words to the people who do this to me out their. When I write, my first goal is to try and put something out their that somebody can relate to and figure there is actually people who understand you and it's not always good to feel alone, but apart of me always tells me I'm better off on my own, and I can't help but wonder why people always do this to the people who care most about them..and I'm talking about loving someone in general, isn't there a friendship in every relationship?, ok, look right now is an example..I don't know how to bring up the next sentence because I just had another thought..something tells me I'm lucky to have friends, I wasn't the type of girl to grow up with a best friend so I'm used to the environment..I don't believe in best friends I only believe I'm closer to certain people then I am to others..when I go through a phase where I just want to be alone those are usually the times I stay farthest away from my closest friends because I don't want to hurt them from acting I go to the people who wont notice because they don't know me well enough..and that's how I lost most of my closest friends..but that proves right their that they weren't true enough to me to be patient..but who has time for anyone these days? some people can go through things..very little things that can build up into a massive attack that can be so hard to tell someone about because it won't seem like it is much..but it is. Sometimes drama just comes to me out of nowhere, and it gets me thinking like really? I have so much more other things to worry about right now..people I haven't met in my life putting words in my mouth and action at my finger tips, but those things bothered me when I was a kid, they just can't get to me no more because so much was said about me that I can make a whole other evil me out of everything said.. I'm built with a heart and mind..I can see, I can hear..I can taste a smell, I catch onto things easy. This is going to be a very stupid thing to mention but it actually amazes I got a message sent to my phone from my phone company saying my balance or whatever is about to expire, and that's basically next week which means I can't even text if I have any left. So on my plan, I have 2500 texting per month..and you know that would waste in literally ten days, that's nearly 250 messages a day, but my texting is still working surprisingly! that just proves to me how many people just cut me off...or I just simply thought I shouldn't answer to a rather stupid message..yeah things changed..a lot. oh yeah, I forgot to mention, you know some people actually stop talking to me because I look guilty at times, and I just look bad, so they take that impression and throw every aspect of my personality off, but I waiting for a phone call..a text from you..a message..not anymore, I can't base my life waiting for someone to care about just isn't fair towards myself anymore..Bye to the people who I'll never talk to again, talk to you soon to people who might care, and I guess I'll talk to you later my friends.

-Esra Chebli

This World..Built with beauty, functioned with evil..Looks are Deceiving

I'm gonna viciously assault my religion and stand for what I want, like a savage pass it on and stand in the stars, above all of you, and have the devil right under my arm...nobody can control me as I wait for death to discharge at the echo of a guitar, this worlds so dysfunctional..functioned with evil in the heart

Written By Esra Chebli

Don't sacrifice yourself for this heavenly earth, this world is nothing you'd expect it to be,
trust in yourself and faith..give more than you take..but keep the one and only thing for yourself,
the soul living with in you, don't come across a doubt,
this world is a disease, like syphilis living under the skin you will never see,
only with tests you'd come to find what's planted in this earth seed,
we are here for reason of a slave..hell living under our feet..
run from material temptation received,
being the demon you think nobody can defeat.