http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzBPrHa96rk&feature=related

with windows wide open I let the rain rush through,with the clouds crying and radio playin an awful tune,thinkin of you an what got between us two..patiently waiting now this flower will never bloom,with all this rain and no sunshine..its the happiness between us boo,with nothin more I can do I cry from a heart so bruised,come rescue me before this great big boom..don't let the rain wash me away in sudden fumes,hug me like we used to lock our fingers in place and fuse, because of you a heart beat booms please don't set so soon..

Written By Esra Chebli

I Dedicate this to you

FASGSMZOMNTFAKRHRJNSAGMRG
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CniP1swmABI&feature=related

hold on to me don't let me go, wait a coupl'a hours..a coupl'a days, years the most..I'm lost into you trying to find my way out, I saunter around your bones..press against your chest so a heart beat won't..beat another time take me as a ghost, gone so long ago..first with another post, the meaning behind this ain't destined for hope..I stress this the most, I set into your throat as your words speak of me..tryin to give you a choke, lockin secrets in poems, down on heavy smoke, fog my sight and block those open roads..wait until I stand..like you crushed me now I'm a dead rose, I took you as a friend the most, but what's a friend to do..just don't, stop in a position a mistake changes so..I don't lose you because now I'm rockin on a enemies boat...the meaning behind this goes to those..blank,give my eyes a close..I don't know who you are anymore..you used to save those words for me and put your own breath on hold..lie..the stories you told I began to approach throw me down the earths cores..beat me down in the weakest wars, if I said how much it is you mean to me I'm just trynna cope..your words of mystery..let me go..like I'm history,I'm just a show..(words literally),and don't come bond your feelings to me if I fear to see..down the road when my eyes tear in need..and your not there to greed..greed all my tears and talk to me..I hate to dream..thanks for not putting me to sleep..all I think of is you..fourteen, fifteen..twenty-five actually..they just keep drifting...one by one it's practically..sayin love just disappears magically..for eternity, what's happening..you can't set a date for love to officially begin .remember theres an end to everything..I can say, if I was really hurting about you I'll find every way just so I can talk to you..make you stay..if it takes walkin with you..are you worth to prey of? I look up in shame..because later on your always pushing me away..The good people deserve the worst..because they need to learn that people have more then just a face..that's just the world..and it can be to late..because nobody is there to save you from the dirt..in the illusion of pickin you up..they push you farther into the dirt..deny..reject..with no reply..neither respect..lies..neglect...that's just the way it is..I guess we just gotta learn to accept..the world of it's kind..that's what's best, don't keep lookin behind because you never know what comes crashin ahead..

Written By Esra Chebli

The Point of no Return

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGudqu8UF78

(22sec)
walk through the hastle and the struggles

watch the one sun set while you battle the humbles

diggin holes with deeper tunnels

fallin through it like a well with water that rumbles

Internally bleeding locked in a chain strapped and literally bundled..

your at the point of no time to look back..

at the point where ur cluttered and motions are physically trapped

like wonders..weaknesses built in the past

don't look back be ready to fall through one open crack and watch the pain begin to contract..

with my feet tied together and my hands cuffed and strapped

watch my words spit, and have your soul cut in half

dress warm because my worlds to cold so just try'an adapt

no time to relax get the feelin of bein in that.

watch my hands slip right through my pockets

with no one to hold and my words blastin like rockets

I gotta say my chest is empty for keys and lockets

so be ready or you might as well feel free and just drop it

no time to be modest..just get the world to see

who cares about bein honest because nobody will ever believe

just retrieve..retrieve these words act as if they were never seen

hide'em in a book of lines the hit horizontally

I hold life to a threat in order to survive

I leave time to depth to purify you never know when the sky comes fallin as soons as you begin to rise

so think about it remember you bein advised

is their such'a thing as a hole in the center

well a heart beat doesn't role forever it fits all together like puzzle pieces or maze to enter

life is confusing..lets you go so easily like a wing letting go of a feather

As the sun takes a stand and rises above this earth,

my hands lift up, set together leavin my eyes to burn,

down on my knees hopin for hope in return

with desperate dreams hopin to reach at it first

watch my hands slip right through my pockets

with no one to hold and my words blastin like rockets

I gotta say my chest is empty for keys and lockets

so be ready or you might as well feel free and just drop it

no time to be modest..just get the world to see

who cares about bein honest because nobody will ever believe

just retrieve..retrieve these words act as if they were never seen

hide'em in a book of lines the hit horizontally

it's like broken arms trying to reach out from the dirt

it's like holding on to time rounding up to hurt

in wounds..and scars drowning in the air that purs

in the strands of hair that fall from a crown of words

falling down..falling at the edge of the world

rolling off rocky mountains as pages flip in a journal

emotions get deep, this is the words speaking on behalf of the internals

no lookin back..at the point of no return..a cluttered brain being hacked

down distance apart holding onto all of what's left in pride

with nothing left in a world so wide

anger strengthens in the depth of time as these precious eyes begin to cry

turn away with only a sigh..

Written By Esra Chebli

Fall for your Type

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6ISOCundVM

(verse 1) 14sec-55sec

Love ain't somethin you can control..and nothin you can define

Into the simplest ways..into the simplest lies

drops a heart beat..strengthens like a base line

at the same time..I'm bustin out the same rhymes for the same kind

his face..somethin like traced eyes

phrased in my mind I'm goin for the same type

I phased twice..nothin can even take over this hate in the insides

I sware I can't get through to you..my days, I love the way you make mine

with only you just rollin through my mind..

it's only you that gets me through the hours in the amount of time

with the doubts and the founds of what hides

tell me what it's about, what these sounds guide..

(drake&Jamie fox)chorus 55sec-1:38

I swear I always fall for your type, yeah (for your type)

tell me why I always fall for your type (for your type)

I just can’t explain this sh-t at all (fall for your type)

I just can’t explain this sh-t at all (fall for your type)

(I believe in people like you)

(verse 2)1:38-2:05

they say take the time to chill and relax

but with you it's nearly impossible to do that

with my mind rollin clips of you and heart beatin so fast

you bring the energy in my life, an just to be exact

words on a line don't need'a state the facts

one of a kind ain't somethin you could just pass

you leave me breathless with no air I can catch at

restless on dreams I hope to reach at least a grasp

I hate to say goodbye..anyway I forgot when I said hello last

(drake&Jamie fox)chorus 2:05-2:33

I swear I always fall for your type, yeah (for your type)

tell me why I always fall for your type (for your type)

I just can’t explain this sh-t at all (fall for your type)

I just can’t explain this sh-t at all (fall for your type)

(verse 3)2:35-3:29

we always end our conversations the same way

without a kiss and with no hug and another mistake

I tend to talk and forget what I was going to say

you say its my grammar but it's really because of your face

with all that scattered shit goin on in my brain

sorry to act like an idiot..but I know you can relate

what we are..you can't be replaced

that's what makes us..the perfect mates

don't be thinkin the things I tell you is plain fake

my eyes seem to bond on people like you it's always the same

and if you ain't feelin me with this one..I'll just go ahead and back space

rephrase..copy and paste somethin you'd feel more..and maybe taste

your like a soldier I solute to you..all you have to do is wait

they say take the time to chill and relax

but to me that's simply pain..this love fell from above like this sprinkling rain

and if this sprinkling rain has us hidin under umbrellas..I'll make the space

I'll warm you up until the sun comes to waste.

(drake&Jamie fox)chorus 3:29-4:13

I swear I always fall for your type, yeah (for your type)

tell me why I always fall for your type (for your type)

I just can’t explain this sh-t at all (fall for your type)

I just can’t explain this sh-t at all (fall for your type)

(I believe in people like you)

Written By Esra Chebli

(chorus-drake&Jamie fox not written by me)

Here I am about to spit another line..

another verse to converse on the shit that's inside

givin all I got to serve but all I got to provide,

hang in there for a while, let the bol-shit slide..

only for now cuz I promise you'll see a smile..

all it takes is openin your eyes and walkin another mile,

pain is hurtless after a while like the burns after a fire..

Written By Esra Chebli

The way it was
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88-vZ9vaRgg&feature=related



We used to lock our secrets and turn the page

we used to drop the seasons and go by the date..

 and walk on the peices and find a new way..

you used to stop the rain when it began to pour,

you used to save the words for me and put your own breath on hold

we used to talk and now it's like I don't know you anymore

we would walk the battle together and win the war..

It used to be only the year that proved us apart
it used to be the guys that broke each others hearts
behind each other I thought we'd always march
but your off the road with a brand new start


it used to be the love I would embrace
not the tears that slide down my face
it used to be you I would cry of not the words you say


It used to be your arms that I would fall into
now your to far away
it's now your soul I try to break through
using distance to stay..

we used to hold hands out of love not hate
we used to draw and erase the simplest mistakes



Now it's like I lay alone and tell myself this is the last time
now it's like I lay alone hopin you'd at least apologize
Hopefully you stick to those words that I couldn't seem to fight
and stick to my side until the day I die

You know my every breath
my every move
even what I think of without sharin my thoughts to you

you knew exactly what I kept
and why I fought to
you felt the anger and the exact things I was going through
said you'll be here and walked in the same shoes..


As soons as I shut my eyes there you were running from me
here I am playing hide an seek..
guess who..and guess why
I can't reach..

quit playing games and talk to me
throw those shoes off and walk on me
stomp your feet stop speaking to me anonymously..

Written By Esra Chebli

What it is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhwwQ86OEG0
So unexpected..this life I reflected onto these lines that had me pretendin..through time that recked it in these emotions I hoped to strengthen, away from true love that had me destined..

closer to distance away from the nearest connections..

trynna find clearer words in a caption though so little is present
it can't be messin..
messin with my head because lookin into your eyes is like starin into heaven
dreamin about you never fell into something so pleasant
a nightmare is near impossible
to me your way to precious
I'd never scare you away or push you at the farthest where depth ends
I'll keep you close even if the connections dead
because I'll still be thinkin of you as my brain sends signals while my head spins
your right there in my heart though you leave me breathless
I'll wait for you..I don't care if the world is put to an end
you can leave me pendin..
because I'll pend as longs as it takes until you get off my mind
and leave me to rest a bit..
but that's all I wanna do
you don't know it when I simply send a kiss..
I already begin to miss you once I hang up and wish..
wish you only knew..
that you are my everything and it's..
it's just so ridiculous,
I can just speak more of you as I continue this..
your just so reckless
I can't throw you away your like jewels in a necklace
whatever I said I always meant it..
this love is huge..it's tremendous,
I can even see it in my reflection
my eyes call out for you..your words sink into me like an injection
your taking over me like an infection
but fill my system up with all this affection
I'm feelin it so much with you..and theres nowhere I'd be able to get it..


Written By Esra Chebli

Caught By You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvRglJwtGIM&feature=channel

If I shut my eyes and dream about you, is that enough?

I just wonder..what will it take to prove just love

if I can't say it in words..or show it in lust

hurt and burn from ashes to dust

something so beautiful falling apart in no scent of luck

If I could say how much it is you mean to me how will you ever trust?

your words follow through to me my hands are cuffed..

locked into yours..I can't keep this on the hush..

you make me smile..you make me laugh better yet when things get rough

wanting to lay next to you..though I lay alone thinking of us

wonderin what it would be like, its usually not this tough

I'm focusing on just you..I'm speechless,

I wish I can put you in the place of the pillow that I hug

and just keep you rapped around me so I know your not on the run

it's only you who push these tears outta my eyes just like starin straight at the sun,

I'm pretty strong..I wish you knew it's not just...

something I can simply push to the side while my heart's on a rush

all I'm thinkin of is you..I feel like I'm smoking a blunt

way outta my mind,

I'm feeling down..you lift me up,

that's why I'd rather spend my time with you because I get that feeling of freedom from being stuck

I hope you can see it..because I like you so much

I see you the best, and I know it gets better I'm not looking at what it was

you deserve the greatest measures, and that perfect one..

I found the perfect you..I'm officially done

your my champion..you won my love..

Written By Esra Chebli

One Meaning
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arsxJdC9cJE

I got so much to say, from my friends to my knees when I kneel down and prey, so much goin on that I can't focus on one and put it into a phrase, to those who don't look at me the same who wont accept me and just throw me away, I've made mistakes and you can go ahead and hate..cuz I aint, the best there ain't nothin to be ashamed..of cuz I ain't the worst and I know ya'll can relate and put this into a verse, you got your ways and I'm not mad at the world for puttin itself first, there's tears slippin off my eyes and runnin down my face, there's fears that I can go ahead and hide and I guarantee it's somethin you can never trace..
it's somethin I'd rather cry on then showin a smile that's really fake it's worth the while so instead I'll wait, I need my space anyway I got nothin to rush I ain't countin down the dates I got my faith, that's all I need with some water to keep the oxygen circulating in my brain..I believen my self I don't need a couple'a teachers to rate my grades or some friends expecting more to take, I'm full of love and I ain't puttin it to waste that's all I got with loads of trust in the bank..I'm just not, risking it..I'm even dreamin through the days, sleepin through the nights wonderin what it's like in somebody elses place, if you can revise..I truly miss the way we used to play..I wish I knew then what was comin my way so I can at least prepare for this corruption today..violent struggles that trapped me in a cage..with a key to break me away and a map leading me out this maze, I ain't all that good at games..but I play'em well..though theres things I can't erase, I don't forget the ones I've crushed..and those who fade because right then and there I'm in instant pain, I cherish memories and the saying of "it's never to late",I got all these questions I create I know I got no use to make there are those I could never replace and those who I'll love until my dying day..so just encase, you know your part of that hit me up as soons as I get the chance to get a hold of time to waste..you know who you are my friend who seems to betray..

-Written By Esra Chebli

At what point?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWAyN01r8Zs

Another one, another two

am I really losing you?

fourteen..fifteen

that's quite a few

they just keep drifting away like the moon..

lightened up my world..

now it's just me and who?

a reflection..a shadow why leaving so soon?

can I fix anything up?

are you not amused?

my jokes..my laughter

is my voice outta tune?

are my sentences like trapped in fumes

when that spark only came from you

it was like an electric balance between us two..

why question myself trynna find anything I can do,

to save the both of us when were obviously through

when theres no mistakes I can fix and never redo

or a person to replace I thought you knew..

I can't wait for you is there anything I need to construe?

man all I wish is we'd at least pursue.

pursue our happiness and believe it's true

because I believened you

and saw hope in just goodbye without at view..

bustin this shit up in rhymes trynna get to you

but nobody can hear me I'm fallin in a loop
spinning and spinning

that I can't put a stop to
wishing and giving
lost..
I'm at the point where I'm wishin everything could just stop
and the world could stop turning like that stick around the clock
rollin so fast it's throwin me off the top
quit lookin at the watch it's screwin up my thoughts
wanting to be away from the world and what it's got
this stress and anger got me trippin at the spot
my friends I'm endin at the dot..
tangled up in a knot
what can I say am I makin sense in this font?
hear me out world from those clouds to these rocks
quit throwin me back and fourtth your hurting me as I drop
trynna figure out what this is and what its not
searchin for clues playin detective runnin from the cops
the feeling where my brain's about to pop
it's like no matter what I do I keep gettin mocked
by myself
doin the same thing over and over do I deserve any props?
it's like I'm not accomplishing anything as these words bond..
I can write for so long and still ask myself what it is I'm doin wrong..
but it's so difficult when you cant seem to find the cons..
the motions of moving on
letting go when your really trying to hold on
I've been trying for so long
but things get so hard
come to think of it this walk is goin way to far..

Written By Esra Chebli

To me your a friend..

not an enemy..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKyNS2y0twI

How come when I need most help

the ones who seem to be farthest are most near..

How come when I look to my side your never there

and when I look around me everybody else is here..

How come it is that every time I fallow your advice

I fall into the arms of someone I never thought cared about me..

it is you my friend..who seems to envy

backstab..hurt..and push me away from enemies

my friend are you afraid that I face the truth?

because I noticed now a days my fashions a little trendy

am I blinded by you my friend?

because I can finally see your being a little to friendly

when I trusted you with my life and now it's so hard catching..

my friend..are you trynna flip my mind around

by giving me a shoulder for me to lean?

my friend..it is you who knows what makes me most weak

it is you who took away what I needed to keep

it is you who told me to never believe..

believe that life can get hard and throw me off my feet

did you say it to shut me up when I was hurt?

you said it's okay don't worry please..

you never made me cry..instead you wiped my tears.

why? the truth is what you were in most fear..

of..
now you say losing me..

my friend how come so many different faces begin to appear
one minute your gone the next minute your yappin through my ears..
you said keep everybody at distant
though I'm glad I chose to keep talkin to my peers..
my friend you mean nothing
your another relationship that comes to an end..
there is not relation with my enemies..
I'm gonna leave you to drain with the past
because I finally found the missing center peice.

Written By Esra Chebli

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnzFocfBmc

I don't want to write about you,

but I can't hold it in..

I'm filled with excitement and anger..

all I want is to be with him,

I disguise this secret so well but my blood is rushin thin

I think he can hear my heart beat pound as his voice lingers across my skin

and you wonder what my smile's about my heart's about to spill

all I'm askin is for you is to fill it in,these incomplete spaces hold my chin

just as I say hello I stare wonderin if I could ever be his

because he's not just a boy, to me he's a prince

but I know I'm no princess..though I wish

because I know he'll notice me in beauty's way, not just when I trip

and instead of saying "I love you" give that sentence a flip

call me up and tell me you'll never let go, blow me away like the wind

instead I'm dreamin fallin like off a cliff

and my mind is tellin me this is all a trick

and my heart is tellin me I'm broken give me a fix

it's him you could never be with

it's me you could never see it in

I'm sorry but it's something you gotta cope with

I'm so sick..I'm so sick

I need a lift..I want you to give me that lift

from those arms to those lips

til' that last day he ever gave me a kiss

this moment..where this sentence begins

I've fallin..though hooked on like a pin,

I love you..here I am saying it

I'm on a twist..

please answer this..

will I ever get over you? that's my question now

well I have to find a way some how..

I tried everything..my heart continues to pound

only because of you..and it's only getting loud

I'm hiding beneath these clouds

my angel I'm callin out for you please come down

stop hiding come on out

the past comes rushin back..can you hear the sound

foot steps echo the sound that surrounds

hard to let go..don't want to hurt myself as I drop to the ground

I could just wait and sit around

pay for the pain it's self

fade with a single beats sound

erase an empty page with doubts

lose a thought while being proud

keep lookin up when my head should fall down

wish upon a star that's even hiding behind a cloud

allow everything to be stopped

self control was supposed to be found

I could hold onto time

but time never came sittin against a couch

my mind is rushin I'm runnin out

words can't explain

and I can't tell what the actions about

trust in myself is just not allowed

I assume the exact opposite

from what's behind the shadows that surround...

I choose to stick with you..

"How can I start off this letter..I know this wont make things any better but everything reminds me of you..

why can't we be together...this weather is pretty lonely ironic hey? never knew forever was never, walked half a mile..already gone that's pretty clever while my mind roles the memories..However, I don't enjoy that play back because I miss you.. and it's time you come and get her because things are gettin a little tenser my heart is cut in half right through the center and I can't help but control this temper its to hard I think it's about time I surrender.."

what do you think of this?..I was writing to you

I never finished

because all this confusion began to intrude..

"I try to look for some one to blame..try to turn my words around showin my second face,trapped in the darkness trynna find a way, I can't see where I'm goin I'm blinded from such a drastic change..and I flip pages back,hopin to find my way out this trap,but nothin can replace this pain..I try to let it go but it just ain't the same, trynna fight with my every strength, but my weakness beats me down with the worlds weight..with just one last try before it's to late,didn't they say it was never to late..that was before time was added in the race, now I can't catch my breath I feel insane..trynna walk away..hold onto you..regain my faith, as I keep wanting you.."

-Written By Esra Chebli

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTkVMYAsdf0&list=PLBA17B4C22EFF5317&index=18&playnext=2
you can say your not alone..

but why do you hesitate to pick up the phone,

wouldn't you rather be at home

because really you just rather get away from your zone,

or maybe from life but I bet there is no escape because its just you and what's inside..

you can't say your not alone,

because what you have nobody will ever know,

I mean either way you keep your emotions on the low..

there's two of you..

a shadow don't try and mock me..

I'm speakin to the unknown..a mystery,

don't try lookin, what for?

historic events or a future response it's on the core..

my life can't beat this world I'm sinkin on shore..

my head drops to the floor,

protect your eyes from the rain when it begins to pour..

until you see signs of the sun..

look to the side your head is sittin next to a gun..

don't rely,

 because better yet he's on the run..

there is no right,

better yet there is no wrong,

it's just so long..

farewell your workin towards the end,

your livin no fairytale

your already in jail waitin for bale,

set yourself free from this misery

follow upon this trail, nobody is with me..

independence is what I chose ..

this life got me thinking

I got such a long way to go

and there's still my broken heart that needs fixing,

I set boundaries with no limits..

these words are sinking

your eyes begin to blur watch as my soul escapes

as I continue printing..

an empty page..
trynna phrase a sentence with the simplest words I can say
please give me the space
I'm trynna figure out what's this I'm beginning to face
I just desperately wait
hoping time will arrive before it's to late
lead me the way, lead me the way
leave me to pray hoping for change
I can't be in this cage
I am so afraid
hold my temper down take me off the stage
I don't wanna show anymore
this smile is fake
I've already walked more then a mile of pain
please leave these eyes to drain
because I'm about to burst
I need to fly away..
I know that I'm alone

Written By Esra Chebli

Imbroglio

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uc6UUAht9K4&feature=related

To conflate my emotions to an unknown shadow

brood to daylight in a senseless pattern

wondering off into nowhere droppin my head down

like an elision of words mixed in such a scatter..

almost there just at the step of imbrication

my eyes begin to shatter..

trynna lilt my dreams towards the stars

but try climbin a broken latter..

its kinda hard..so I just rather..

dessemble these dreams even faster,

because the world turns in such a desultory motion

it's so hard to capture..

and from now to here on after..

will I ever say those few words that I never mastered,

this epiphany is to sudden for all this time to gather..

an evenascent light, traveling at the speed of sound trynna catch her..

gone at the blink of an eye

a heart so fractured

ethereal..I can feel you kickin the walls of my heart

raptured..

purified of felicity,

beautiful eyes..

eyes missing me..

whom shawn like purls..

kept him to the infinity..

furtive around the clock..

the clock of eternity,

love me love me not

I'm bleeding internally

ineffable to another soul..

and she who is incipient stands tall..

a mellifluous melody a man calls,

dead asleep her hair strands fall..

an illusion of beauty their two hands hold..

let go so easily..this story was to never be told

hidden beneath the clouds

above the sky the movie rolls

starin at her nemesis of life

time just goes..

Written By Esra Chebli

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceCNKU4C6ho

slowly trynna find her way back it was the past man I thought she forgot about all that, I mean she said she was way back on track and now her first is her last that's all full of crap, with the "e" and the dash and mama sayin it's all wack, motivation is slim willin to throw it all in the trash trynna get her mind set straight try'n relax..life goes on once again but ain't as bad, she got it all set sittin right there on her lap, just playin nothins really that simple like recordin audio on a mac..she got time but time is flyin by way to fast wastin it in front of the mirror with her mascara brushin each lash..so much goin on in her mind..she fell way behind but they try'n catch up fast forward to rewind..that's what she had, shes tellin mama can't you understand while shes gettin all mad..stickin words across a sheet trynna puzzle the facts, findin another way playin melody's in guitar class maybe she feels like life is a pass when school is just half she got dreams bigger then the band but it ain't about the money it ain't about the cash, neither the fame never cared for the fans..

her unspoken words unleash in a rap..who's readin'em she treats'em like ash, throwin gold away not knowin how to react, while they sayin theres nothin shes really good at..one is in college the other engaged man that's so sad..got involved with a man it was like a printer in a jam loadin more shit on her back as if she was the dodge ram about to get serious about to remove the cast but her hearts bleedin again what's there to contrast, trynna have a blast and forget about the rash cupid misses her but they just aimin to the ass who's there to trust do the math because she ain't wastin her time and there all glad..

life just goes on and on..

losin time as time keeps runnin along

this is life

ups and downs

rises and falls

losin more and more

and gaining one small thing to make up for it all..

this is life and you just gotta learn to appreciate it

-e-chebbz

Written By Esra Chebli

October 22 of 2010

Diary of 2010,

I was just lookin at my previous posts..From way back at the start of 2010. I wrote a 2009 diary, while I was reading it I was just thinking to myself...I've came such a long way, just by reading it can tell my mind was all over, like I was walking with both my eyes shut, trying to live a dream.. but I know I never achieved nothing. So how did 2010 go.? I'm still in it but it's nearly the end of the year and I can explain how tough it was and how much of an idiot I was. Honestly..I got nothin to hide..I've only lied to myself enough..all this bol-shit ended in the summer..I've lost like what. about fourteen people..and plus things changed alot between loved ones..I know I can't erase the past, I've made mistakes..but also choices hopefully I can teach others not to make. Looking back at my stuff..reading through every single one it's not hard to tell that my mind was all over the place..I hate every word I phrased in each sentence..it's like I was pushing things to come to me..but I ended up hurting myself because I was obviously not ready to face all these struggles..and better yet..I faced all of this on my own, I thought I had you here...but just like a tap of water..my eyes were spilling tears...theres one and very important thing I learned from all this..Nobody will understand..and I can finally say I accept that..to you..who thinks knows me inside out..you don't know half the shit I went through..it was just the introduction to the beginning of my life..and I'm sure years to come I'll be lookin back at this, and look at me like an idiot. Here I am..did I get my soul back? I set it free, it was locked in the sell of my chest and I trusted it to leave..look at all the trouble it caused..but I'm not sure if I took the right one..it'll take time to know as my knowledge begins to grow and grow..He got me thinking..we were talking just the other day over the phone..but man his words gave me a choke right through my throat.. it was like I can feel with every word he was saying to me, like I can feel that pain that can take a life time to get over..but it is true..nobody will ever understand me..or you..or anybody around you, this world's a lonely place..do you have to go through some shit to understand at least these words? well yeah..because I know there are people out there who don't give a fuck..who lose themselves without realizing it because they are so blinded..and really you could be laughing..find this humorous..but I bet when you get that chance to be alone..it's gonna be scary once you actually hear yourself saying things...I was stressed to the point where I had so much going on in my head that I would find some words slippin outta my mouth bit by bit..I thought it was because I need someone to talk to..."man this smile ain't real, listen to me" everybody began to wonder what the hell was going on with me..I wanted to leave..runaway...but I got nothin and no place to stay not even a job or account in the bank...shit it's so hard to swallow that...fuck I get sick of lookin back.. of you..I'm sick of all that, all the things I was willing to sacrifice..it gives me shivers even writing it...but I guess things change rapidly in my life...my sister is about to be a wife..my marks are gettin a little high...and I'm actually beginning to see a real smile..already starting a new chapter in my life...He who is soon to be mine...we'll see what goes down when 2011 kicks in.


My diary...Esra Chebli October 22, 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VgSDutyB4A

like lightening strokes, electrocution beneath my dreams

below the stars I lay waitin for an angel to lift my feet

me against gravity as the world takes on to me

depravity in my world..I'm watchin my soul scream

waitin on time as it tells me to wait on destiny

I fall deeper leavin my soul to internally bleed

I keep holdin on as I get a little more weak

theres a little bit of strength enough to hold on to me

but I'm beginning to let go before these angels set my hands free

nothing for the world to know but I keep spittin these words across a screen

distance is far and once ur gone that's gonna be hard to believe,

love comes once and your runnin through my mind gradually

its enough that its tough fillin these words with profanity

is it in you or in these words I gotta give a knock at reality,

because I ain't livin so happily..

ever after like Cinderella its the fact to be,

that ups and downs loadin shit on my back massively..

so what the fuck I ain't rappin here

this is what I'm feelin because you know I'm zappin tears

as I'm writin these words

when will I get the chance to relax and breathe

I felt it a moment ago lyin in ur arms indeed

Imma give you the time to take your time to proceed

and let you know that I'm waitin right here..

no matter the fuck the time

no matter the fuck it takes to survive

I don't give a fuck because you already took my life

distance is nothin..

I said Imma be here for eternity,

so I ain't gonna sit here and watch you get up and leave

just like that as if we was enemies..

nearly 8000 miles away at day seventeen

that's why I'm cryin that's what I need you to see

I can play just that in a symphony

I'm gonna miss you

to the depth of infinity..

Written By Esra Chebli

You Never Know

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loFqhq79PiA&feature=related

I guess it's true when they say you never know..

when that important thing just leave you and get up and go,

I guess we livin in a unknown world. trust will never show..

appear once again because at lyin we pros

but when we hear truth even the word gives us shivers down our throat
lookin through the rearview what happened to them lessons I thought we learned

but we rowin once again on that same boat

just like enemies evil takes on the most

I don't know why but it seems like nobody can even take a joke

facin reality man its givin us a choke

insanity..I guess its time we build us a new road..

we want the easy way through..shortcuts for hope

but that light slips away so easily because we turnin on dope

simply fallin in the hands of the last message you ever wrote

stop and take notes..

the past decade you've been trynna climb up this rope

damn whys it gettin so hard..when ur hands are soaked with soap

throw this all away to the stars because they never seem to fade to grey

black and white theres nothin to taste

when really we even made that a problem but solved it today

visualize time and we still forgot how to pray
survive "the eye" leavin us speechless of a million words we can say

leave the sun to rise but I bet we find a slower way

while the tech grows countries don't even have water to bathe

what's the resource because all we carrin about is money in the bank..

why can't we push that all down the drain..

this is all for nothin all this bol-shit and pain

is it all for money..nearly forget your own name

from the richest riders to the poorest survivors

even whats in between is caught up in the game

others stay broke while we dream for the fame

look what this world has become man its a shame

lookin at our hole lives and keep buildin mistakes

whats this now its our hole life we gotta rearrange

some people can't see a thing..

I'm speakin words from the shoes of a ring

blood diamond..root to the kings

I'm blinded perfection ain't in the blings

that shouldn't even be a word,..beneath an angels wings

here lives an ordinary girl..

I wish I can sing

how come..? in my eyes I believe its a beautiful way to let out emotions that ring

find there way out with tears that sting..

we all sufferin

money aint happiness

money is nothin

"what is time when we don't even use it to organize our lives"

quit fussin..theres nothin to be rushin..

think about life because its our own hands we cuffin..

Goodnight..

"I guess we'll never know when we have a way through until its gone

and your left with nothin to do"

Written By Esra Chebli

Just a Dream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abvpKg_7bkc

I wish time could stop spinning and the world would just pause

 at least catch my breath while everything is put to a complete stop

I wish a shooting star can actually grant a wish

don't take credit to a false cause..

I wish I can getaway from the world

surrender this battle

because waterfalls are already beginning to shatter..

and as time rolls I'm falling behind

I'm trynna climb a broken latter

it's hard leavin my weaknesses to hide

as I start a new chapter..

So I was just thinkin..Maybe if I shut my eyes

I can bring myself to that place where no one but me will ever find

pretend this is all a dream

wake up nearly at the end of my life..

feel that sense of relief

like it was only a long dream I had last night

but wait..how come I'm still stuck in the same place..

how come I'm out of breath like I'm caught up in the same race

how come I'm still glued onto the same page

how come I'm still wakin up to the same day..

So now that never worked

I'm falling back way down to earth...

wow I'm back on my knees liftin myself up from the planets dirt

the clouds kicked me down

these rain drops are steppin on this girl

round and round once again the world begins to twirl..

time is rushin and these roads begin to extend
I can't even take the chance to even pretend
loads are pilin on my back times a hundred and ten
and hills run up as my muscles begin to descend..

What happens if I had a dream that ended beautifully
onto the next level and I'm caught between you and me
woke up and there was nothin for you to see
my dreams ran away disappeared foolishly

Just a dream
anybody will believe
anything and everything is possible
life can easily destroy a scene
when you think things logical
wake up havin to leave

so I was just thinkin..Maybe I should try and sleep with my eyes wide open
that's impossible right
but I aint reallly jokin
I really wish I could because my dreams don't really understand
this is life
your livin on a completly different land.

Wake up..I'm lettin go of you hands
it's way to risky to sleep
but dreams are all I ever had..

 Written By Esra Chebli

The Exposure

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1nuxEft8xY&NR=1

Im here to expose what you did to me like how my reflection exposed the truth livin beneath..and when I tell you promise not to cry because I promise this shit will be takin you on a bumpy ride..Dear ...., you know just pushed me to the side cant get to personal cuz nothin really pushed me to the right, even if she said everythin is gonna be alright say you wanna leave goodbye lullaby whats goin on in my life?..cuz thats what Im thinkin bout..you wished you'd die when man you aint even know what death is like you know Im holdin myself down in these restless times..trynna make somethin outta nothin in these breathless rhymes, fuck these reckless fights this aint somethin my weakness delights..So here I am, yet again stuck in my place..not knowin to expect at the end of the day..Im gettin tired but I have to wait man patience is nearly takin up half the space..And if you were to ever apologize after these words promise it met with your ears and allowed it to be heard, because you never understand me thats what I mean its only in these words that pick me up from whats said on this sheet..I'll allow it to be seen cuz to ya'll who dont know what its like steal these words as if you was a theif...Losin the good times while the bad keeps comin waitin to recieve happyness when theres nothin to be lovin, sorry to mention and no offence I aint the typa a bitch to earn it from fuckin..so fuck it..I got time spinnin like time is rushin..you can stop the bluffin cuz this goes to the bone blooded man whos afraid to be trusted..

Written By Esra Chebli